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🔒 Privacy Policy (LOL, But Actually)

A legal disclaimer (Last Updated: Right after someone lost their phone)

Welcome to the Phone Stealing Club, where the only thing we intentionally take is your attention.

We value your privacy like we value our phones at 2 AM in West Hollywood — we try really hard not to lose it.

📱 What We Collect

We may collect the following data (but honestly, we probably won’t even look at it unless we’re really bored):

  • Your email address (if you willingly give it to us like someone handing over their phone to a “girl who just needs to make one quick call”)

  • Anonymous site traffic data (because we like to know how many people joined the club before they blacked out)

We don’t collect:

  • Your photos, text messages, or crypto wallet (but if someone else does, we’d love to write a verse about it)

🕵️ What We Do With It

We use your info to:

  • Send you hilarious updates

  • Possibly release a “Phone Stealing Club: The Remix” and let you know about it

  • Not much else

We do not:

  • Sell your data

  • Trade your contact info for a vape

  • AirDrop you weird memes in public

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🔐 How We Keep Your Info Safe

We protect your data like it's the last iPhone with battery at The Abbey.
(Technically, we use secure systems and encryption and all that boring stuff. But the metaphor sounded cooler.)

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✉️ Opting Out

If you get sick of us, you can unsubscribe faster than you can say, “Wait, has anyone seen my phone?”

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💔 Final Word

This is a parody website, not a CIA front (we think). But just to be safe: don't share sensitive stuff here. Seriously.

Thanks for trusting us — we won’t ghost you. Unless it’s on-brand.

Want this as a downloadable PDF too? Or need a cookie disclaimer like “We use cookies. Not the digital kind — we just really like cookies”?

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